I had asked Dan to make a Cottage pie for dinner the day I had my first chemo. I had read up that the chemo can affect your appetite and make you crave carbs so I thought a pile of mince and potato with a side of peas would be a good choice. Turned out it was a great choice on that cold, dark November evening and as we all sat around table enjoying the comfort of its warmth, we agreed that we would make it our regular “post chemo” meal. For the rest of the evening I was on constant watch for the appearance of side effects of the treatment but they didn’t really come. I felt a bit spaced out but other than that, pretty normal, no sickness or tiredness or strange food cravings. I could tell that the children were relieved to see me back in one piece and still very much my normal self (even though that meant nagging them to brush their teeth and get to bed as it was a school night). We had warned them that I would likely be feeling unwell and may even have to take to my bed for a few days. I felt a bit of a fraud as Dan and I settled in for the evening to watch some TV but expected there would be darker days to come so decided that, for now, I would take feeling “pretty normal” as a win.

I may not have felt any sickness but sleeping when you are high as a kite on steroids is interesting. It doesn’t involve much sleeping. I was warned not to take my steroids after 2pm as they can affect your sleep so I dutifully took mine before the steroid curfew. Despite my adherence to the rules they still hugely affected my sleep. I felt tired when I went to bed and got to sleep no problem but was wide awake again by 1am. I had drunk gallons of water throughout the day to help flush the chemo through my body so the number of night time trips to the loo increased. It was once I was back back in the warmth of my bed that the problems started. I just couldn’t turn off the incessant chatter in my head, it was ridiculous! It wasn’t worries or stresses that crept into my brain, it was just mundane stuff; food shopping lists, the need to send cards for up and coming friends birthdays, the kids school work, my work to do list, what would we have for dinner tomorrow, what is in my ironing basket, new walks I could try with the dog, holidays I want to go on when we can travel again….. it just went on and on and any attempt to silence the noise was futile. Before I knew it it was 4 am and I had completed two more toilet trips. I was exhausted but the chatter didn’t care.

I finally managed to drift off only to have the alarm shock me out of my much needed slumber at 6.30am. I might have been having chemo but life around us continued regardless. The kids needed to be up and get ready for school, we needed to get them to school and Dan and I both had work to do. I had made the decision to try to work as much as I could during my treatment. I am not sure if I would have taken the same view had my work involved the commute to the City 3 days a week as it had done before March 2020 but as it now involved a pretty risk free commute to an office in my garden I wanted to give it a go. I was worried that without my work to distract me I would have too much time on my hands and that would mean time to worry about my illness. Being stuck at home unable to see friends and family other than Dan and the kids because of COVID was a challenge enough without having more time to ponder it all. I enjoy my work enormously and was very lucky to have the most supportive line managers and colleagues happy to let me “suck it and see” as far as my work was concerned. I was told they were there to support me and that if I wasn’t up to it one day then that was fine. We were all fully expecting a week of fall out after each round of chemo so they had anticipated my absence. I decided not to work on the Friday (the day after my treatment) as I was still waiting for side effects to present themselves but still nothing came other than the spaced out feeling and a bit of tiredness from the rubbish nights sleep. By Monday I was back at my desk working as if nothing had happened much to the surprise of my colleagues and myself.

I am so grateful to live where we do, with doorstep access to the countryside and countless different walks. Our lock down pup, Luna was also turning out to be something of a godsend, giving us a daily reason to get out in the fresh air for her much needed walks. I had been advised that walking every day was a great way to exercise during treatment, even on days when you are not feeling great. I definitely found that to be the case. A 40 minute romp across the fields, taking in the fresh air and changing natural scenery around me was an absolute tonic. I walked Luna with Jodie as soon as I got home from my first round of chemo and at the weekend we took a lovely long walk as a family.

When we got back from the walk I noticed that my PICC line felt a little uncomfortable. On examination I could see that quite a large amount of blood had collected under the see through dressing where the line entered my arm. I showed Dan and we agreed that didn’t look good so I reluctantly called the emergency on call number that I had for the chemo nurses at my hospital. I felt absolutely dreadful bothering them at the weekend. Debbie answered the phone and after explaining the problem she asked me to send her a photo of the PICC line which I did. She called me straight back and told me that unfortunately I would need to come to the hospital so that she could have a proper look at it. So I left Dan in charge of cooking a roast and off I went.

The hospital is out patients only so not open at the weekend. I met Debbie in the car park and she took me onto the cancer ward. She took my dressing off, cleaned my arm up and examined the line. I told her that I hadn’t knocked it or caught it on anything as far as I was aware, it was pretty well protected on the underside of my arm. Whatever had caused it to bleed, it wasn’t bleeding any more so she was happy to re dress it and send me on my way. I felt really guilty for having interrupted her Sunday for something not serious but she told me not to be silly and that they would always rather I called with anything that was of concern or not right. These things have to be checked. So I walked back to my car with Debbie happy that I had done the right thing and that I was unlikely to bleed to death. As we were getting into our cars Debbie said she was glad to see me looking and clearly feeling so well generally. I told her that I was surprised but was feeling really rather good “I’d go as far as to say that I feel quite euphoric, is that normal?” I asked. She looked at me with a knowing expression and smiled. “That will be the steroids, it’s your last day on them today isn’t it?”, “yes” I replied, “well you might just be feeling a little less euphoric in the morning, be prepared” she laughed.