One of the most humbling aspects of my cancer journey has been the overwhelming kindness of friends and family. As word got out about my diagnosis the messages, calls, cards, flowers and gifts started flooding in. A cancer diagnosis is tricky, there really is nothing anyone can do or say to make it go away or to make it any easier to deal with but somehow the words and gestures of others soothe the situation somewhat. not being able to see people in person, have a hug, a cry on someone’s shoulder has been enormously challenging but knowing that I have people in my corner, fighting with me in spirit is hugely empowering and has kept me going even through the darkest times.

I have had a few surgeries in my past; two D&C’s after my first two miscarriages, two c-sections, a hernia op and a perctaneous chilectomy on my right foot and open Akin procedure on my right toe to correct what was essentially a bunion. I have also had to undergo 3 bone grafts on my jaw bone in the last couple of years in an attempt to grow the bone so that it is able to hold a tooth implant. As a result the thought of having breast surgery really didn’t bother me too much. I wasn’t too fearful and felt extremely relieved that I could have it so quickly and that essentially the surgery would result in the removal of the cancer. We focused very much on that aspect when talking to the children and it seemed to really help.

I read up about what to expect from the surgery in the many pamphlets that I had received from the Breast Clinic. I had been given a poster of post op exercises to start as soon as I got home which I dutifully stuck up on the fridge door in readiness. I packed my hospital bag. I’d been given an afternoon surgery slot and although I kept being told I would be an outpatient and sent straight home afterwards, I packed overnight stuff just in case. I’d been told that the operation would take a couple of hours and I was asked to arrive at the hospital at 1pm so even if I was on the operating table by 2pm and off by 4pm surely they wouldn’t be sending me straight home then? My previous experiences were that you need a good couple of hours to get over the general anaesthetic and start feeling normal again.

My operation was scheduled to take place at a private hospital in Hitchin. One of the benefits of COVID was that all breast surgery was being carried out in private hospitals at that time. I had private health cover but no need to use it for the surgery. My surgeon made it very clear that if I went private the only winner would be his wallet. His private lists had only just been re-opened and I would wait much longer than a week to have the surgery so it was a no brainier.

Surgery day arrived. I said goodbye to the kids as they went to school, reassured them again that my procedure was all very standard and after it I would be “cancer free”. They were as cool as cucumbers and went off to school without any fuss or even a backward look or bigger hug than usual, one of the problems of downplaying everything.

Dan was able to drop me off in the car park of the hospital but that was it. He wasn’t able to come in due to COVID rules. We had a hug in the car, I was determined to stay strong. I didn’t want him to see any fear. I wanted him to be totally on board that this was just the next essential step to beating this thing and being well again. I looked at him as we sat in the car park and thought, I bloody well hope I see you again, I hope I don’t drop dead on the operating table. The thought of my life being cut short like that was unbearable but I couldn’t let those fears in. It felt so strange to say goodbye and wander into the hospital on my own with my overnight bag. Of course the beauty of this all happening in 2020 is that you are never alone for long thanks to social media and instant communication. From the minute I was shown to my room I received non stop messages from wonderful friends and family. Well wishes for the surgery but also lots of humour that kept a smile on my face and my mind off what was coming.

I didn’t have to wait too long after being shown to my room. I was visited by the anaesthetist who talked me through the risks of the general anaesthetic I would be having and got me to sign my life away on a number of consent forms. Most of the information went in one ear and out the other. A bit ridiculous really, what was I going to say “you know what, after hearing those risks I’d rather abort the surgery and take my chances with the cancer.” As far as I was concerned there was no choice to be made. Next to visit was my lovely surgeon, he was in excellent spirits and we had a general chat about the procedure and what exactly he would be doing. His aim was to remove the lump from my breast and then tackle the slightly more challenging task of removing a large number of the lymph nodes in my arm pit. He talked about the need to remove the lump and a sufficient margin of tissue around it to be certain that all of the cancer was removed. This can be tricky and if sufficient margin isn’t removed first time he would have to operate again. Fingers crossed he gets it right first time. As he left I asked him to look after me and to do as neat a job as he could. He smiled and told me he would take the best care of me. I totally believed that as he left my room in his scrubs and clogs humming to himself.

Time for me to get dressed in another double gown combo, I had the hang of it now. One last look at the breasts that I know so well wondering what I would see after the op, how much change and damage there would be. I was so relieved to be able to have a a lumpectomy and not need a mastectomy but I was very aware that the lump they were removing was not small and would cause a change of shape and size in my right breast. I was just going to have to wait and see. Contact lenses out and glasses on, ridiculous fern green compression socks on (looking good my friend!!!!) just as there was a knock at the door. Time to go down to surgery, they were all ready for me. I only had to walk a short distance down the corridor to surgery. I was taken into a small room adjacent to the theatre where I was greeted by the anaesthetist who had visited me earlier. I could hear my surgeon somewhere on the other side of the double doors chatting to his colleagues. Just another day in the office for him I guess! On my side of the door the trolley was ready for me so I hopped on as instructed. They fitted me with a cannula through which they delivered the pre-med whilst asking me questions about my family whilst also telling me that I would start feeling sleepy. Whilst I was telling them about Max and Jodie a wave of wooziness swept over me. I tried hard to keep focused and keep talking. Who knows how long I managed to keep going, I suspect not long…… but I love a chat so I know I will have tried my hardest.

Next thing I knew I was awake and in the recovery room very aware that I had come round and said something random but not sure what it was. Seems to happen every time I come round from a general anaesthetic. Who knows how many secrets I have shared with random hospital staff!! A nurse passed me my glasses and asked me how I was feeling? Ok I think but within a few minutes I had pretty excruciating pain in my right breast. They immediately gave me morphine which kicked in pretty quickly and that was that, pain free and felt pretty good!! I have a vague recollection of my surgeon popping in to tell me that he was happy that everything had gone well and he would see me in a couple of weeks for the follow up consultation but that might have been a morphine induced hallucination. They wheeled me back to my room and told me as it was late they would keep me in overnight. The wounds were dressed so I couldn’t really see how much damage had been done. I was exhausted but the morphine buzz kept me awake most of the night. Thank goodness for my iPad and Netflix. Dan was able to collect me first thing next morning. It was so good to see him. I think we both felt a huge sense of relief. First milestone ticked off, operation done just fingers crossed that it had gone to plan and I wouldn’t need another trip to theatre but for the time being it felt really good to know that the cancer was (at least in theory) no longer in my body.